For the person whose life looks different than they imagined

I wanted to be a missionary doctor.  I thought I would be working with doctor's without borders or as a doctor for Samaritans Purse.  I thought I would be the doctor on the front lines treating malaria and ebola.  This is why I chose to go into medicine.  This is why I chose family medicine.  And this is why I chose to come to Greenwood for my training.  It is truly what I thought I was supposed to do and what I believed was my calling.  This is not what I am doing.

I am living in a regular old neighborhood in a small town in South Carolina.  I am working as a hospitalist.  I am working to pay off my student loans.  I am trying to follow Jesus in my roles as doctor, wife, mama, and neighbor.  I am coming to the realization that perhaps God has had something else for me all along.  Perhaps it is not adventurous.  Perhaps its not exciting.  Perhaps its not something that anybody will write a book about.  But perhaps that's ok.

Mother Teresa has been quoted saying, Not all of us can do great things.  But all of us can do small things with great love.

 This blog is for anyone out there whose plans have changed.  It is for the people out there whose lives look different than they had dreamed.  This is for you.  Maybe you were made for something different all along.  Most days my life feels beautiful and complete.  But there are still the occasional days that I still long for the life I thought I would have.  Those who grew up in a church background are familiar with the saying, God closed a door.  It is often used to refer to jobs that fall through or opportunities that do not work out.  I have joked before that God did not gently close a door for me to be a missionary in Africa.  He slammed it loudly and forcefully in my face.  But I get it.  I am not that good with subtleties.  On the days that disappointment creeps in, I am often given small reminders of the ways I am being allowed to impact others lives.  It is in words from patients.  It is in words from people I do not know who have read our story and been impacted.  It is in the words of people walking this road of special needs alongside us. It is in the words of strangers who have met my daughter and been touched by her whimsy, her smile, and her strength.

My friend received this email from a lady at her church not knowing that we were friends.  It brought me immediately to tears, because it makes it feel like the difficulties our family has faced are being worked out for good. I read it humbled that even when I struggle with doubt and discontent, God is still able to work.  And I am incredibly grateful that I am not in charge of my own life, because, if I was, I would have missed out on this life.

Read on.....

As I write this, tears are rolling down my cheeks as I think about how gentle and tender the Lord is with me... and I don't deserve it. 

A realtor called the other day and asked if he could bring someone by to see the house this afternoon. Even though I was thinking 'no', my mouth said 'yes' because I know we need to sell our house. But, this is such a BUSY time of the year and today was going to be especially busy....

I wasn't out and out grumpy, but I was feeling stressed and not very thankful about the showing.  Anyway, I did get things in order for the showing, put on some instrumental Christmas music, lit the fresh balsam candle....and had about 20 minutes to relax before the realtor and his client got here. I know now that the Lord gave me those 20 minutes to prepare my heart.

Well, when I opened the door, there stood the realtor- such a very nice man. And, behind him was a man holding a little girl who had Down syndrome.

I was a little disappointed that it was just this young man [Josh] and his daughter [Willow]. His wife was working and couldn't come. Often, this means that the people aren't REALLY seriously seeking a house. [The realtor] told me that he would just follow behind us if I didn't mind showing the house and doing all of the talking. So, I started talking with Josh and showing him around the house. Pretty soon, Willow wanted me to hold her. I did and she was so adorable, playing with my hair, touching my glasses...curious about everything...not shy like most little children.

As I talked with Josh, I found out that his wife has just completed her medical residency here in Greenwood and they are planning to stay here. When Willow was born, he gave up his job to stay home and take care of her. She could not be left for one minute for the first year of her life. Willow is two and is not able to walk yet. She can only say a word or two although she can sign and loves music. Four days out of each week, a different therapist comes to work with Willow.

As I finished showing Josh the house, he put Willow on the floor in the play area while he and I talked for a few minutes about the utilities, taxes, and so forth. When Josh picked up Willow, she was wet all the way through her pants. We laughed a minute as I relayed our having changed diapers in strollers, random bathrooms, backs of cars, and so forth.  Then I said, "Well, at least it wasn't a stinky diaper." To which Josh gently replied, "My wife and I tease each other that we are the only parents on the planet who love [dirty] diapers because we had to irrigate Willow 4 times each day until she was about 1-1/2 and was able to have surgery to correct her inner plumbing." He didn't say it in a begrudging or 'poor, pitiful me' way....he said it with genuine gratitude!

I cannot tell you how I felt standing next to this young man who has given up [so much] for his precious daughter and is thankful for her 'poopy' diapers!! How ashamed I am that I am not shouting "Hallelujahs" from the rooftops for all of the ways that the Lord has chosen to bless me.

I don't know if Josh and his wife will buy our house or not, but I felt like the Lord was saying to me, 'This is the reason why your house has not sold yet. I wanted you to meet them.'

And, I am so incredibly thankful that I did.

Wow!  When I read this, it knocked me off of my feet.  It touched a raw spot in my soul that I did not even know was there.  It reminded me to stop wishing for what could have been and start asking God how He can use me today? How can He use us?  How can we stop wishing for a life different than we were given and start learning to bloom where we have been planted? What small thing can we do today with great love?

This is for the mums and dads of children with special needs who show great love in the small things of therapies, doctors appointments, tube feeds, and medications. What you are doing is important. What you are doing matters. You are impacting and making a difference even if you do not see it.